Truths.

Truth is,
love isn't the pain, love is not the fear, the real fear, is being without it, not with it. With it, we are happy, but the truth everyone hates to hear, is it is not love that pains, its loneliness, because with it, your loveless.

But, love is almost like a pize, or invisible object, you do anything to win it,keep it, and share it, but not all of us can manage it, it can be replaced, but wont be forgoten, because unlike a win or possestion, its everywhere.

Anyway, what I am getting at, is my love, last week, and this past week, has been threatened, intirely, causing, greif pain, and most of all, fear of loosing him. I don't want to compete with my past blogs in a sense, by writing down all my feelings for my boyfriend, how he's so much better than that other idiot. I don't need to because i know it, but i also know i did love that idiot, and i can't deny it, i have just read over some of my posts, i admit, im stupid writing so strongly for a boy i hardly knew, but those feelings were there. But, I'm not going to lie, and say I loved him like no other, because, god. I can't put it down how I feel about my boyfriend, I love him, truely, not just love/crush like I did, but i mean irravocably love, to the point I'm not affraid to tell him about my previous loves, or hide how I feel, keep things hidden, or hold back. I can be completely myself around him.

But, I almost lost that. Twice.
I can't.
Just, can't speak about...
How much,
that hurt.

Hurt, isn't even the word, I don't think there is for that pain.

But, one of my best friends, being fucking amazing as he is, helped me. He came to my house, in the pouring rain, just to make sure i was ok? It was half nine, but he came. He, sorted everything for me, conforted me, and gave me a shoulder, to cry on, and managed to make me laugh. I don't know how to thank him enough, but he litrally saved me.

Anyway, for now, I still have my love, which i prize more than this world, people may say 'your over your head' or 'your two young' but you live once, and if that means only one life-time I have to spend as long as I can with him, then so be it. Because, I wont leave him, I can't, and hope this lasts, for as long as we both want. Because, the only way I'm happy, is knowing he is too, thats all I want, him happy, however much I will always need him, knowing he's ok, is all I truely want.
I love him, and would do anything for him.
Enough said.

Because, you fucking well deserve it.

Its true, you have written so much about me, on tumblr or blogs, but I haven’t yet wrote about you my dear friend.

Your beautiful, I mean that, not just stunningly gorgeous, no your more, your beautiful, inside and out- you are so flawlessly selfless, giving, and just brilliantly kind to me. Your one of the first I go to in need, and know everything there is to know about me, like I you.

I’m such a crazy character to deal with, not many can, or will, but you don’t care. Your always there, hands down I can always count on you, to cheer me up, or help me, yet your so flawlessly selfless, you don’t expect anything back, you just help more but, feel guilty when talking about you? Hell, I love hearing about my best friend, so DON’T YOU EVER. Its funny to think, I once didn’t like you- I never hated, but strongly disliked. :’) Now, it would KILL me to be without you. You stick up for me, like I do you, your like my sister, I can’t bare to see you hurt. I love, to see you happy more than anything. I can’t thank that boy enough, not only has he done so much for me, but now he’s made you INCREDIBLY happy, its just, amazing to see. And fuck’em those people who put you down, say you’ve done wrong, fuck’em all because they can only see how happy you and him are, and want to jeopardise that because they have nothing better to do, than pick on peoples happiness, and they should know fucking better, or they have to answer to me. :’)

Your amazing, an amazing friend. :)

I love you girl, and I wish I could write you more, thankyou for everything, you have no idea miss Siobhan Dooley. ♥

And fuck Spain for taking you away from me. ¬¬

Because, I need to let it out.

Well,
I just need to type it out, get it out. How I feel. People can get sick of it, the qoutes, the songs, the little 'sweet about nothings' I write. But, I don't. I wont, ever get sick, how can I? I can't ever get sick of him...
This, this is why I don't;

Every pervious boy who I have fallen for, who I have idioticly let myself become inlove with, they left me in such a state it was unbareable. That wasn't because, they broke-up with me, that wasn't because, I felt unloved, it was because what I thought of them, how I thought the world of those ex boyfriends, all in that second, had been crushed. They wern't that guy who told me they loved me in class, held me infront of his friends, they were the guys who shattered me infront of everyone I knew at a party, or left me for my best friend? They became, the guys I dispised, all because I opened up, and it was 'too much' for them to bare... My life, isn't something someone should 'bare' but fuck! I'm the one who has to deal with it? Well, as few know, I was not in a good place for a while,- I didn't want to love again, after all I had one of my 'ex's' still playing me around, all the time, and would crush me just as I would admit it to him... He was what I thought love really was about, he was what I thought my love...

But, I was sorely wrong. My friend, introduced me to a guy, online, she had met him, and she told me this guy would 'suite me perfectly' I didn't want to beleive that. Not after being played around, and fucked up so many times. All I really wanted to do was be happy, and that I was failing in. So, I went with it, I accepted the guy, I spoke to him, and in less than a week, he made me so. unbelievably. happy. I hadn't met him, which sounds bad but, I didn't care, this guy seemed so... Unlike the others, so nice, so heartwarming, but I couldn't judge yet, I had to meet him. And so I did. Almost two months ago from now, I was dreading meeting him but now, well, I wouldn't want anything more to see his face every single moment. Yeah, I sound like a goon when I speek like that, but I can and knowing he accepts me for it? Means the world and more. He's not like the other guys, hes everything, and so much more. I know, I love him, and have never had such a connection with anyone, I can tell him anything he asks without a hesitation. I couldn't do that with anyone else. But the main thing is, I care more about him than anything. I don't care what happens to me now, he saved me, from well, so much... I would do, anything for him, just to make sure he's alright, he comes first, always, and no matter what I have been though, everything I have, all in all, now I don't care. I have him. And I'd go through it all twice as hard, just to be with him.


I wouldn't want it any other way. People can say all they want, but-
more than your'll know, and thats not gonna change. :)
No matter what anyone says. I love you unconditionally and i will forever.

I'm worse than nothing without you...

Long, time, no blogger, tumblr, just bores, me? Tumblr, doesn't allow me to say, how I truly feel..
I need, a LARGE update.

Now, previous posts, you may have read, my so 'depressing' blogs,I can barely over read them, because I think to my self, that was ME? Mortified, by the fact, I was supposedly in love, with a idiot. Now, I realise, long gone, he was not my one, my cause, he was nothing but this insignificant free-be I got for a taster. I have the real thing, now. I know that.

Yes, I found him people, and I'm sure, so sure he's my one. I have, never felt so strong about anything, let alone anyone, I would do anything for this boy. He's charming, he's sweet, he's funny, gorgeous, completely perfect he's everything I looked and asked for, even more, and I have him. Not only, can I trust my life with him, is he, my perfect love, he's my best friend, he's everything to me now. I look forward to each day, I smile each morning, knowing he's now in my life. I can forget, all the shit, everything, just by his smile, he makes it vanish. Now, that, really is something, he may not know, how hard things can get for me, and why I get so paranoid,I guess, I can take my time in proving that.

We don't even have to talk, as long as he's there, everything's perfect.

But, there is just one problem, one but. He has no idea, what would become of me without him. No idea, what will occur if he leaves me, I don't even know, but I know, I wont get over that, it scares me thinking of it- leading to my paranoia. My major flaw, I obsess over little things, and when the conversation dies, I flip, I was almost in tears when you joked about leaving me.. You see, I couldn't handle that, that's why I'm scared for this. But don't care, because now I'm worse than nothing without you, and have you, I don't know, I ring circles inside my head, 'how are you with me?' someone like you and then there's me..:/ I owe you everything, and your'll probably never realise, how much I really do love you.

Josh, I love you. ♥

'Because I'm no Superman'...

I did, before love the idea that maybe no one would read my blogs on here, because apparently no one went on. Well, it turns out that conspiracy failed didn't it? (I do love you Freddie, for the kind thoughts) The truth is, why I 'was' feeling bad/low and thought I needed help, is really because I am a sad attention seeking drama queen, who obviously craves all she can get. Bad right? Sometimes I sit up all night, thinking to myself- wow. Every fucking else can deal with it? So why the hell can't you, heyy?

My answer- I'm incredibly weak. I cant defend, let alone stand up for myself! Which is why sometimes, I really need to 'grow up' and 'get a life' and just face it. Life sucks, because if it swallowed there would be nothing left other than a disgusting after taste (me and my sick innuendo's for you xD).

So, I apologize, to you who read my blog before, let alone my others, because I was feeling stupid, and to be honest I don't have a CLUE what was wrong, I just 'felt low', a pathetic reason, clearly.

But I have also decided, I'm giving up bitching for GOOD. I can't do this, slag one person off then walk away with them the next? Its w.r.o.n.g. So it needs to stop.

From here onward, it does me less good than them? So why sink so low?
But saying will achieve nothing, doing will slowly fade, so I will 'try' to become a better person, not a fucking suck up, and a hard nob, but just where I should be, I'll try- 'because I'm no superman'.

Just another one...

No one, none of my friends, that I am awear of, will read this,
No one goes onto blogger anymore, its my safety net.

I need to get help again, its become all to much. :|
But thats all I'm going to write, just encase, because by time if ANYONE sees this, I will have changed my mind completely.

Goodnight and goodbye.

Let me introduce myself...

Ohhh darlin,
Life is not just sinister,
Life is not just kind,
Life is not just full of bitterness,
Life is not just blind,
Life is not just lively,
Life is not just cruel,
Life is everything,
And should be lived to the full.

You may call it a bitch,
And wish it away,
You can hear the worst,
And hate its ways,
But fucking hell I can tell you,
One life is all you get.

One may seem small,
It may not appeal,
But its a small world sugar,
So live it with great will.

Because all in all,
Life is your everything,
And should be lived to the full.

^^ I'm sad I know, but god hell does London inspire me? I visited London today, and went to an art gallery (my fathers doing) and watching all these paintings reading this 'punk error' poetry gets to you, and you think- you only live once, and I want to live it to the full like these guys, they make SHIT loads of money for what? Splashing paint on a canvas? That is easy. TOO easy, but what wasn't easy, was the message that artist brought he brought hope to all those unlucky buggers out there who have no talent (me) that you can make something you can be someone if you put the right mind, and give all your heart. I sound silly, but WOW. I just got inspired, I think the real me is coming back, and I'm starting to like it.
:D So let me introduce myself.

I'll start of here:

Hello, I'm Bronte.
Yes, I have never said my name before, and I keep hidden but I guess that's my self concious getting the best of me, like always.
Not only that, but I don't like my name. I do not like my name,like every girl my age, which is fourteen.
If you read my first blog,you know more about me than most of the people in my school, sad right? Yes, I'm not very popular, for various obvious reasons, I have never truly properly 'fitted in'. But I like it that way, I can assure you my life is FUCKED UP. I wont ramble on about it, but there you go.
I love peculiar things, and make no sense, I am a drama queen as you read my other blogs deal with it? Everyone has there flaws, I just sadly have a fucking lot of them. I'm fed up with playing 'miss nice gal' but I don't like being 'hard either' but I can't help the swearing, sorry about that I think I have turrets sometimes, like I have my mood swings, shown by my blogs yet again.

So, maybe I will fill you in with more later, but for now goodbye, I really can't be asked to say something meaningful but I will leave you with this; Alright if I piss you of with this blog fair enough, but I'm not gonna apologise for being me I only apologise when I'm not myself.

Anger isn't a good look for me...

Hello, again, to whom or who ever reading or tuning into my blogs.Prepare to be shocked. By my depressing blog.

I sit up every second, thinking of you, breathing for you, because I now know, you have and always will be, my one. But whats happened? I discover, ALL this time, after all I have been through, put through, because of you, that you can't forget me, or let me go? But that's not what hurt me, stung me inside deep through the whole you left long ago, it was the fact you would do absolutely, ANYTHING to forget me, to stop loving me, so you can move on, likewise. That hurt, really hurt, it made me realise my heart is a fool, how you mean everything to me, but I loath you so deep that its unreal. But I would never for a second of thought you felt the same, for me. All that time, after I told you, after I gave in, and spoke to you how I liked you, even though that wasn't the full picture? Everyone still laughs at me, takes what ever they can from my esteem, because I like you, but they don't have the full picture either. I love you. I said it, however it hurts me, however much I will regret forever more, I know I do, that's why I have never got over you fully. But thank you 'Frou Frou' your music inspires me so you are right, I'm not over you yet boy, but if your still not over me, still have that one percent however much you hate it, you, I think, you must feel it to. I think you love me...?

Now, as for you. You I'm not going to begin, mistake after mishap, its just sickening. Yes you may see this, but right now, you deserve to see this PUBLICLY. If you step one more time out of line, your head is mine. Do you hear me? I told you twice and third time lucky for me, because next time, well, there isn't going to be a next time, is there? You need to set things right and straight, for once, because I'm not doing it for you, YOU need to, YOU need to make this right I love you so much, your SUCH a close friend, but I cant stand to see you hurting someone, sorry... Shes held so dear to me, I can't simply just call her a friend, shes so much more, she may have had one bad point in the past which she says still hangs over her. But it doesn't. I love her, even for the things shes done, I don't care. It made her, it gave me her, so it doesn't matter, so treat the angel right ok?

Right now, I don't feel I have much to say, I'm filled up with so much emotion, I cant tell how I feel presently. But I know in there, is anger. I have it building up in me, and has been for too long, I must be careful. Because anger isn't a good look for me.

Complex, and just plain confusing.

Hello again world, who or whom ever. I'm going to give you another brief in counter into my own world, my life.

Presently of course.

So, you see I'm still in a messy situation, with my mum still clinging onto her dear life, things are very complicated. Complex, and confusing. To make matters worse, my school life, has completely evaporated almost. I try to keep my best, be my best, yet my best doesn't please anyone almost as much as my worst. No one is to be trusted, although i trust in no one! I cant see much point in sharing anything to everything with anyone now days, everyone is filled with greed and, plain bitchiness and right now it seems, I only have two freinds i can trust. Well, i had this friend,one of my amazing best friends, who i would share the world too, who helped me through all of my passed depression. But now, I don't know them, I feel as though I never have, and cant ever take that time back. Consistently arguing, and leaving me with blame, and guilt most of the time, isn't particularly just, or fair?

I try to stay on positive, although I admit from my posts, or should I say last post, I don't sound at all like an 'upbeat' person. I'm always the one with the fake smile, and the glistening eyes really only from tears lingering on the verge of surfacing, but I never really AM the one to cry break down and curl in a ball giving it all in. I guess I'm the 'in between' the person on the verge now, once has and scared into ever breaking down again. Friends are bitches, the couldn't be whore's because then they would be to easy, and they couldn't be sluts or they would play on everyone. They are bitches, the true friends are bitches anyway, because they can bite you in the arse when you least expect it, but even though, they will ALWAYS be as loyal, no matter what, which is how I feel towards my best friends, yet some haven't and wouldn't ever bite me.

But,,

what do you do if one of you best friends, so close to you, may be hurting someone else just as close? Hurting them.. Well, you cant do anything, especially when it was you the one who set them up in the first place. You cant do but you can feel, like i am, forever guilty. I will be forever guilty, because when i thought everything was going right, smoothly, and i had made people i love most in this world happy! Well you feel brilliant, but when I found out by mistake that they are not at all happy, well, one of them isn't and is hurting the other,draggging them on.. You become lost for words. And sick at the stomach, and it is I who will forever have to live with the awkwardness. I who will have to comfort the other, whilst I am still friends with the one who really hurt them. Complicated, a lot. Sometimes,times like these I break or relaxation looks good right now.

And other times you just give in, to a break. Where the fact that I'm 'never ill' comes into place. I usually fake my 'coughs and colds' maybe just to get away from all stress, at school, stay at home and not be troubled. Because I'm supposedly 'ill' you my call me pathetic for doing so, say I'm 'breaking the law' but really who is the 'ill' person here? Someone with a little sniffle so their mother lets them off, or me, with a life time of well to be honest absolute shit, in and out of school, cant even take in what the teachers are saying anymore because its far to much for me to handle and is so mentally on the verge to break, they need a rest? Yes again, I may be doing wrong but sometimes I think everyone deserves a break.