I'm sorry..

Its true, I fucked up with you, I know, our friendship everything.

But I miss you, I miss everything, how I could trust and confined in you, the hour phone calls, the sleepovers, we had great times, you and I. But now its not, you and I is it? Now, its you and everyone else but me, and it.fucking.kills.more.that.anything.

I hate having to suck it all up, each time your names mentioned, because it hurts that much, how much I miss you. You’ll probably think its just because I’m without him, that I’m fleeing back to you, fair enough if you do,I don’t blame you for doing that, but its not. I actually, genially have and do care still, I pushed you away, because well I felt you found it better that way, and at the time, you seemed happier, and I didn’t want to bother you with my endless conversations about ‘him’ I felt like we’d drifted to far, and I had doubts, with what I heard was going on.

I apologise, as you say- like I always do. Your right, but I still owe it to you.

But I’m getting the help I need at the moment, the recovery, and when I finally, can find the words to tell you, even though words wont mend it all, I at least want to try.

Its hurts I’ve lost you, when I think back on everything, how you were the very first person, I ever opened up entirely too. The person who I laughed with, because we’d never yet had an argument in the time I had knew you, but things changed, well I changed and I’m sure you have partly but you were no different than the lovely girl who I opened up too in the first place, it was my fault for closing off, for putting things behind, and thinking it ‘okay’ to move on, when really I missed you. I miss you.

I cry about you too sometimes, yeah, I cried at every word you told me last time, because of how right you were. I fucked everything up, I’m a fuck up. I can’t ever forget that. But I’m fucked up. More than ever right now, to be honest. And so, to help me through I just guess, I wanted to write you an apology.

I’m sorry, for everything, and I don’t expect anything back, or said about this, if you do see it that is. Because I don’t deserve that, but you deserve at least this apology.

I’ll miss you, miss Balcombe, as always. I’m sorry.

Congratulations

So,
I've just gone and fucked everything I have left up. By saying something stupid, that had nothing to do with anything.. I don't even know what possessed me... I mean it was a little tiny wonder to do with it, but it had nothing to do with it, and i just blurt the whole thing out? Fucking everything up, by doing the idiot thing, yet again.
But wait a go.

Now, not only do I have a fucked up family life, a fucked up heart, but oh? I've fucked up the only friends I have left. Brilliant.

I just bring it on myself don't I?
I'll make sure to leave you all alone now, and never bother you again, because i only fuck things up, so sorry. Although like you said that's all i can say hey? I'm so fucked.

The littlest things take me there..

Just need somewhere, to let it all out honestly..
Although i'm not sure how too?

The only thing, keeping me from doing something 'stupid' is you, what you had said, I would just feel, horrible to you, I feel by me 'coping well' it might help you, it might help you to be happy, if I put up this fascade to it all, maybe you will find confort in that, after telling me you only want to make sure I'm okay. I just, hope I can keep the strenght to hold this all up, because giving in just looks so much easier..

So what I'm trying to say, is I'm really not 'okay'. I'm confused, tired and well just numb because truthfully, it hasn't hit me yet, because of my denial. I'm denying it all, I'm denying to myself, I've lost you, I'm denying to myself everythings not okay, I'm denying to myself I myself am not okay. I'm not in a state of mind to think straigh, its like I'm set on auto-function and am just living each day now in and out without any feeling, any memory, just purely functioning, like I'm drifting almost, sometimes I forget everything entirely and find it easier, but you always have a way of getting back to me.

Every.fucking.thing. Reminds me of you. 'The littlest things take me there' in the words of Lilly Allen, I can't draw now you know why? Because I have a whole pad of drawings I have drew based on you, however sad that sounds I know, but you were what inspired me, my imagination, now take you away and I'm dead. Nothing, in art I ran out into the toliets breaking down in tears screaming for the last half an hour, only one girl noticed that I had been crying.. I feel bad, asking for all the sympathy, I feel theres something wrong to ask for it, I feel bad to all my freinds and am trying so so very hard not to just break down infront of them like i do at home. I feel so guilty for everything, I just pester them, and i feel I am anoying them, and I'm lost, lost and confused about the whole situation.. I need help..

Hell practiclly all the content on my ipod is a song related to you and I? I can't eat proply, I don't sleep, and when I do I just dream, of oh you? I cry myself most nights now, to sleep, waking up in tears from the sweet dreams of you.. Its the one thing I look forward too now, sleep. Because its the only way I can be with you, without being selfish, without hurting you, without causing you risk. Don't think for a second, I'm ever mad at you, for this, don't for a second think its your fault. Because truth is its mine, its mine for the lies i fed them, its mine for pushing it all, its mine for not just waking up and realising how stupid it was to risk, because now i realise I risked abserlotely everything-you.

And ontop of it all, i'm just confused, with the past 'boy' too, he's such a good friend, always there, helping but I know in a way he wants more.. We almost kissed, and its well, confused the shit out of me. He's helping me, but confusing things so much.. I don't know what to make of it.

So I'll keep pretending to everyone I'm okay, for you, I'll keep a smile sometimes for you, and for my friends too, I'll try my best. But, its going to sink in, when i realise your gone, when I realise, I wont ever see you again. The person I love most, more than anything. But I'd prefur, all of this, for your safety. However much it going to kill me, rip me, and wreck me, I just wish I could tell you, please don't worry about me.. Because, you mean the world and more to me, my love, I don't know why i'm talking to cyber space because I know you wont ever see this, I don't think so anyway. But if it means your kept safe, I'll suffer, I'll bare it all for you. I just wish I could tell you so much more, there is so much more, but I'm to numb to let it all come out.. I love you more than anything, no matter what will never forget you, and a part of me, will always be with you,
my love.