Anger isn't a good look for me...

Hello, again, to whom or who ever reading or tuning into my blogs.Prepare to be shocked. By my depressing blog.

I sit up every second, thinking of you, breathing for you, because I now know, you have and always will be, my one. But whats happened? I discover, ALL this time, after all I have been through, put through, because of you, that you can't forget me, or let me go? But that's not what hurt me, stung me inside deep through the whole you left long ago, it was the fact you would do absolutely, ANYTHING to forget me, to stop loving me, so you can move on, likewise. That hurt, really hurt, it made me realise my heart is a fool, how you mean everything to me, but I loath you so deep that its unreal. But I would never for a second of thought you felt the same, for me. All that time, after I told you, after I gave in, and spoke to you how I liked you, even though that wasn't the full picture? Everyone still laughs at me, takes what ever they can from my esteem, because I like you, but they don't have the full picture either. I love you. I said it, however it hurts me, however much I will regret forever more, I know I do, that's why I have never got over you fully. But thank you 'Frou Frou' your music inspires me so you are right, I'm not over you yet boy, but if your still not over me, still have that one percent however much you hate it, you, I think, you must feel it to. I think you love me...?

Now, as for you. You I'm not going to begin, mistake after mishap, its just sickening. Yes you may see this, but right now, you deserve to see this PUBLICLY. If you step one more time out of line, your head is mine. Do you hear me? I told you twice and third time lucky for me, because next time, well, there isn't going to be a next time, is there? You need to set things right and straight, for once, because I'm not doing it for you, YOU need to, YOU need to make this right I love you so much, your SUCH a close friend, but I cant stand to see you hurting someone, sorry... Shes held so dear to me, I can't simply just call her a friend, shes so much more, she may have had one bad point in the past which she says still hangs over her. But it doesn't. I love her, even for the things shes done, I don't care. It made her, it gave me her, so it doesn't matter, so treat the angel right ok?

Right now, I don't feel I have much to say, I'm filled up with so much emotion, I cant tell how I feel presently. But I know in there, is anger. I have it building up in me, and has been for too long, I must be careful. Because anger isn't a good look for me.

Complex, and just plain confusing.

Hello again world, who or whom ever. I'm going to give you another brief in counter into my own world, my life.

Presently of course.

So, you see I'm still in a messy situation, with my mum still clinging onto her dear life, things are very complicated. Complex, and confusing. To make matters worse, my school life, has completely evaporated almost. I try to keep my best, be my best, yet my best doesn't please anyone almost as much as my worst. No one is to be trusted, although i trust in no one! I cant see much point in sharing anything to everything with anyone now days, everyone is filled with greed and, plain bitchiness and right now it seems, I only have two freinds i can trust. Well, i had this friend,one of my amazing best friends, who i would share the world too, who helped me through all of my passed depression. But now, I don't know them, I feel as though I never have, and cant ever take that time back. Consistently arguing, and leaving me with blame, and guilt most of the time, isn't particularly just, or fair?

I try to stay on positive, although I admit from my posts, or should I say last post, I don't sound at all like an 'upbeat' person. I'm always the one with the fake smile, and the glistening eyes really only from tears lingering on the verge of surfacing, but I never really AM the one to cry break down and curl in a ball giving it all in. I guess I'm the 'in between' the person on the verge now, once has and scared into ever breaking down again. Friends are bitches, the couldn't be whore's because then they would be to easy, and they couldn't be sluts or they would play on everyone. They are bitches, the true friends are bitches anyway, because they can bite you in the arse when you least expect it, but even though, they will ALWAYS be as loyal, no matter what, which is how I feel towards my best friends, yet some haven't and wouldn't ever bite me.

But,,

what do you do if one of you best friends, so close to you, may be hurting someone else just as close? Hurting them.. Well, you cant do anything, especially when it was you the one who set them up in the first place. You cant do but you can feel, like i am, forever guilty. I will be forever guilty, because when i thought everything was going right, smoothly, and i had made people i love most in this world happy! Well you feel brilliant, but when I found out by mistake that they are not at all happy, well, one of them isn't and is hurting the other,draggging them on.. You become lost for words. And sick at the stomach, and it is I who will forever have to live with the awkwardness. I who will have to comfort the other, whilst I am still friends with the one who really hurt them. Complicated, a lot. Sometimes,times like these I break or relaxation looks good right now.

And other times you just give in, to a break. Where the fact that I'm 'never ill' comes into place. I usually fake my 'coughs and colds' maybe just to get away from all stress, at school, stay at home and not be troubled. Because I'm supposedly 'ill' you my call me pathetic for doing so, say I'm 'breaking the law' but really who is the 'ill' person here? Someone with a little sniffle so their mother lets them off, or me, with a life time of well to be honest absolute shit, in and out of school, cant even take in what the teachers are saying anymore because its far to much for me to handle and is so mentally on the verge to break, they need a rest? Yes again, I may be doing wrong but sometimes I think everyone deserves a break.